Just last week, I had occasion to counsel a  teenage student. The student came to me with a question weighing on her mind.  A friend from school overheard their adviser talking about her and said that she had an attitude problem. Her friend told her that she thought the same thing: that she had an attitude problem. This student came to me to ask me if I thought that she had an attitude problem.

I didn’t quite know what to say. To every adult, every teenager has a problem with attitude.  It’s part of the process of leaving childhood and entering adulthood. It’s part of the teenager asserting herself as a person different and distinct from the adults around her. The student insisted on the issue. She wanted to know if I thought she had an attitude problem.  So, I had to mentally step back and ask about the factual circumstances. Why did the teacher say that she had an attitude problem? What happened?

Out tumbled the story.  The teacher thought that the teenager should join a competition which she did not want to join.  The teacher had talked to her about it a couple of times and the teenager adamantly refused to join. The teacher even talked to the teenager’s mother and the mother talked to the teenager but the teenager would not yield.

Was the request or suggestion unreasonable? No, the student said, she just didn’t want to join.  Did she tell the teacher why? No, she said, she did not explain. Why did she not want to join? Her answer astounded me: she didn’t want to be stereotyped.  If she joined the competition, she was afraid she’d win and she’d be expected to join that same competition every year until she graduated. She wanted to do other things.

If she thought that the reason for her refusal is just and right, then why did the teacher’s comments bother her? And why did her friend’s agreement with their teacher bother her? I wanted to know. Her answer to this also astounded me: just because she refused doesn’t mean she had a problem with her attitude.  So I clarified: she did not feel offended that the teacher made comments about her behind her back? She did not feel offended that the teacher thought ill of her? Instead, she was offended that her refusal was characterized as an attitude problem? Yes, she said. She didn’t think she had an attitude problem just because she didn’t want to compete.

We tried another perspective: was her teacher the kind of adult who feels that children must obey their elders in all things?  For that matter, is her friend the kind of person who thinks that she must obey her parents in all things? Yes, she answered to both questions.  Well, there you have it, I said.  She, her teacher and her friend had different views. What to her was a mere suggestion that she can consider and reject was for them to be taken as a mandate. She felt that she had the right to choose about the matter of joining the competition whereas they both think that joining the competition is not a matter of choice but a matter of compliance and deference. She thought she was exercising a right to choose, they thought that she was wasting an opportunity. It’s not a problem with attitude, it was a problem with values.  They had different values.

While she was chewing on that, I said: in the end, it really doesn’t matter what you want or what your teacher wants or what your friend wants. What matters is what God wants.  What do you think God wants you to do? I knew that this floored the teenager because her brows were furrowed and she was staring at me, trying to decide if I was toying with her.

I said, often, when I find myself feeling strongly about something (either I really want something or I really don’t want something), it’s a good indication that I should step back and consider.  When I feel strongly about something but something at the back of my mind bothers me about it, it’s a good indication that I am hesitating.  I call this the spirit of restraint.  It is the work in us by the Holy Spirit, warning us to proceed with caution.  As many as are led by the spirit of God, they are the sons of God, after all.

When I feel like I am within my rights to desire or to do something which I am fairly certain is the thing I want to do, it is a good indication that I should stop and ask God if this is what He wants me to do.  It is a good indication that I should stop and ask God if what I want to do is the right thing I should do as far as He is concerned.

We were interrupted at that point.  Later that day, we bumped into each other again and the teenager asked me (I was flattered, actually): what did I think was the right thing for her to do? I didn’t know, I admitted to her. This is a matter of personal choice.  It is a matter between her and God to decide. She asked me: how she could know what God wanted her to do?

The fact that she realized that what she wanted may not necessarily be what God wants is the first part of discernment. God’s ways are different from ours, his thoughts are different from ours.  What is right to her may not be right as far as God is concerned. Her dilemma was not a matter of doctrine or of commandment.  It is a matter of liberty.

So, how can she know? God said, “Come, let us reason together.”(Isaiah 1:18)  God also said, ‘Take with you words, and turn to the Lord.’ (Hosea 14:2) And this is what she should do, I advised. Come before the Lord and speak with Him about what is weighing most on your mind.

1. Honesty with God. Tell him what she wants and why she wants it.  Tell him why she thinks it is the right thing to do. If God thinks it is not the right thing to do, God will impress upon you some new insight into the matter that would not have occurred to you otherwise.

2. Humility before God. Tell him that she’s not sure if what she thinks is the right thing to do is the same as what God thinks is the right thing to do. Tell him that if He will show her what is the right thing to do, she will obey Him.  If He tells her to set aside what she wants to do because He wants her to do some other thing, she will be willing to do what God wants her to do. This is submission under the mighty hand of God.

3. Hope in God. Tell God that she had strong feelings about the matter.  If He wanted her to do something that she felt strongly against, she should ask God to change her feelings about the matter.  Trust that He will change her so that she will be conformed to His mind about the matter. God wants to reveal His will, God wants us to do His will. He will show us if we are willing to obey it.

I’m interested to know what happened to that teenager…. I wish I could bump into her again one of these days.  In the meantime, I am praying for her as she takes baby steps into the lifelong journey of finding God’s will in her life. Distresses such as these are often God’s way of training us to ‘walk’ with Him.

If we begin from the premise that the life we now live in this flesh is the life of the Son of God who loved us and gave Himself for us then the choices we think are ours to make are no longer ours to make.  The choices are God’s to make. But God is not the kind to impose Himself on us.  We must yield to him, acknowledge His right to us, His right to our lives, His right to rule our lives. This is what it means to deny oneself, take up our cross and follow Christ.  Christ said, ‘Not my will but Thine be done.” This is how God the Son lived, thus, it is how all sons of God must live.