I have had a conversation with a friend on FB. He made a comment about marriage “transforming him.” That thought nagged me the whole morning. I tried to figure out why that idea bugged me.  And then I remembered: my own mother cautioned me repeatedly not to marry a man with bad vices and bad habits, thinking that I can transform the man when we’re married.  She said it rarely worked.  This is why I may believe in the transforming power of love, but I am skeptical about the transforming power of marriage.

Because I am a Bible-believing Christian (and a Bible Baptist to boot), I cannot accept ideas without subjecting them to the standards of the Bible. What does the Bible say about the transforming power of marriage? What was marriage designed to be be?

In the Old Testament book of Ezekiel 16, God the Father speaks to the nation Israel. He likened his love for Israel to the love of a man for a woman. This woman was an orphaned baby left in the field to die.  The loving husband, took the baby, took care of her and raised her, clothed her with fine linen and with embroidery and she grew up beautiful. The grown woman’s beauty was known to all not because of anything she had done to herself but she grew up beautiful  because of what her husband had done for her.

I realize that the example might make the reader a bit uncomfortable because it speaks of a baby, found and raised by a man for her to be his wife.  This is ancient history and customs were different. It is customary for people to raise foundlings to be slaves or servants.  This man did honor to the foundling female child by raising her from sure death by starvation or by being eaten by wild beasts and instead of making her his servant or concubine, he made her his wife.

Of course, we all know the tragic end of the this story. Israel worshiped idols which God took to mean as spiritual adultery, an unfaithfulness, a breaking of the marriage vow.  God divorced Israel and she is no longer his wife.

In the New Testament, again, God likened his love for believers with the same symbol: Jesus Christ dying and giving his life for his church whom he loved. This time around, God did not only give the woman jewels, a name, a family, social status and an inheritance, God gave his wife his own life: Jesus Christ died on the cross for all sinners.

The Jewish marriage ceremony consists of a betrothal, a presentation, a marriage ceremony and a banquet.  When God sent his only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to become man and to die on the cross, this was the betrothal. The presentation occurred when Christ died on the cross and accomplished salvation by dying for sin in our place. He then called out believers and the believers became a church.  The  peculiarity of the Jewish marriage ceremony is that the woman is considered “married” to the man from the time of the betrothal even if she had not yet even laid eyes on the intended groom.  She is to remain faithful to her groom even before she had met him and even before they have begun life together. For all intents and purposes, she is already married.  After the marriage ceremony and the banquet, the woman leaves her father’s house and walks to the home of the groom. The groom’s wealth, social rank and status in the community will belong to her and to her children.

MARRIAGE DOES TRANSFORM!

Look at Adam, he was complete all by himself: he was smart, he was responsible, he had a job and he had a position of authority but he was lonely.  Having a wife transformed him: he was no longer lonely. Forevermore, God had ordained that it is not good for man to be alone.  Woman was designed to be a companion for the man.  The woman was created precisely for the purpose of filling in what is lacking in the man. She is a “helpmeet.” She’s not a maid: she is someone who is equipped to provide what the man lacks.

This is the Biblical design for marriage.  And truly, from a practical human perspective, marriage does transform:

1. Two individuals become one in purpose working toward the same goal.

2. Two separate lives become one. Instead of working towards one’s self-realization and self-actualization, the husband and wife work together to realize and actualize the good of the beloved.

3. Two separate personalities become a working partnership. Their constant togetherness smoothen their rough edges until they become a well-oiled cooperative endeavor.

 

I have made a mistake. I have mistakenly believed that marriage is two fulfilled individuals coming together to form some sort of conjugal powerhouse of equals. Marriage indeed transforms: now that I think about it, marriage has transformed me!  I doubt if my husband and I entered into marriage with the express objective of transforming each other: it just happened.  Now, after 18 years of marriage, there is no clear line where he ends and I begin.

I used to be impatient. I thought it the highest sign of disrespect for my person if my date arrives late without a good excuse. A late date means no date. If I am not important enough for you to arrive on time, then, I don’t have time for you.  My boyfriend (whom I later married) always arrived late for our dates!

I would often sit in our sala, all dressed up, waiting for him to pick me up at 12 for a lunch date and he would often arrive at 12:30 or 1:00.  There I was drumming my fingers on the table, waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting.  I was not used to this waiting thing.  My dad would always say to us when we were growing up, “I am leaving in ten minutes and if you want to ride with me, you better be ready in ten minutes.” Once the ten minutes were up, he would leave even if he saw me flying down the stairs.  Time waits for no man and my Dad never waited for anyone.  I was my Dad’s daughter (the one who was most like him in temperament) and I thought the same.

But……I realized, from Marilao, Bulacan, my boyfriend would have to wait for his driver, wait for the driver to get the car ready, the driver would drive from their house to Meycauayan (notorious for its narrow winding streets), wait in line at the Meycauayan exit to go through the tollgate, drive down the very patchy North Diversion Road where traffic conditions are so temperamental, exit through Balintawak, go down Edsa down south to Crossing, down through Shaw Boulevard to get to my house! No wonder the guy was late!

Instead of anger, I met him with a smile.  I was just so glad to see him in one piece at our doorstep.  Worried that he may be so hungry, he’d pass out (he was not: he bought puto and pancit to bring for me and also to eat on the way).  Years later, when we were planning to get married I asked him why he thought I loved him.  His answer was, “I know you love me because no matter how late I arrived for our dates, you were smiling, never angry.”

And if I think harder, I now realize that this is why when my parents see me, it is as if they are seeing a stranger instead of their first-born daughter:  I am greatly altered.  Part of my husband’s personality and outlook have rubbed off on me and part of mine has rubbed off on him.

When I was conceiving our children, he’d have sympathy symptoms.  Now that he’s having gastric complaints, I feel similar symptoms.  I no longer know if I am separately sick with a different disease or if my body simply sympathizes with his pain. On any given question or decision, I can more or less predict what he would say and do; nonetheless, I consult, I don’t forge on ahead.  I have become dependent on him as he is on me! And I find that this is no cause to be embarrassed or ashamed: this is what marriage was designed for.  It is what marriage is supposed to be.

I no longer insist on my way or him on his.  My husband has a great Tagalog word for this: nagsusuyuan.  One does not impose one’s will on the other, both are willing to mutually concede and agree on a consensus.  The Bible calls it “preferring one toward another.” I no longer seek what is good only for myself but for him as well just as he does for me.

Yes, in marriage, you lose part of yourself, but you also gain a part of yourself that you never thought you had. In marriage, your husband becomes part of who you are (you become the company you keep, after all) just as you become part of him. This is what marriage does to an individual. Yes, I concede, marriage transforms the individual and makes him part of a couple. It’s the plan.