My blog “Single ladies…Is a good man really hard to find?” received varied comments and reactions. Most were expressions of thanks for articulating ideas and concepts that were worth reaching for. There were also reactions (mostly from men) who felt intimidated because they felt that they may not measure up to the standard of a “good man.” Still there was one comment that said that because I had made that list, finding a good man just got harder. There was another comment that complained that the list was not exhaustive enough. I got a private message to the effect that I had not touched on the most important thing: sexual compatibility.

First, let me say that the list was illustrative, not exhaustive. I did not mean for the list to be a handbook or an ultimate guide. It was a thumbnail sketch of the basics that should occur to a woman when she meets a guy.

Second, the blog was addressed to single ladies and because I am a Baptist, I believe in keeping oneself pure in anticipation and preparation for marriage. I do not advocate pre-marital sex because the Bible calls it fornication and it is a sin.

Third, I do not believe that sexual compatibility is a factor in choosing or finding a good man. Instead, I think that openness and candor about sex is more important than compatibility or physical prowess. I realize that I have students who are young and impressionable. I do not want to be misunderstood or misconstrued. I do not want to corrupt their innocence. However, it is naive for me to ignore this issue seeing as the government has launched a sex education program beginning at the fifth grade level. Our children watch TV where commercials, print ads and even dialogue have sexual innuendos that may give them a distorted view of sex.

I would rather my children and my students learned sex at home so that they will think of sex not as something dirty. I would rather talk honestly and openly about it so that I can speak of it as it was designed by God to be: sex within the context of marriage. These principles will not apply to sex within any other context (recreational sex or sex with a partner outside of marriage). This discussion is strictly for married people, for those contemplating marriage, for those thinking if marriage is something they would like to aspire for.

I got married in November of 1994 and I had a friend who also got married at around the same time. Around New Year of 1995, we saw each other and she asked me how I found married life. I said it was good and that I was enjoying it. She said, “Mabuti ka pa. Ako kasi, two months na rin kaming kasal pero hanggang ngayon, hindi pa ako nakakarating.” (“I’m happy for you. Me, I’ve also  been married two months and I still have not had an orgasm.”)

I was stunned. Not only at her openness, not only at her admission, but I was stunned by the fact that she had not had an orgasm after being married for two months! I didn’t know what to say. She then asked me, “Ikaw ba, nakakarating ka?” (“How about you? Do you achieved orgasm?”) I didn’t want to talk about my sex life, not with her and not in so personal a context.  I also didn’t want to make her feel bad; I didn’t want to gloat; and I didn’t want her to think I was sex-obsessed, but the answer was yes and I told her in as straightforward a manner as I could.

I realized that she would not have told me any of this if she had anyone else to turn to. She was desperate and at the end of her rope. So I asked her the most obvious question, “Sinabi mo na ba sa kanya? Pinag-usapan na ba ninyo ito?” She had admitted that they had not and that she did not feel comfortable discussing sex with her husband. I could not understand how she could sit there and discuss her sex life with me but feel uncomfortable discussing it with her husband! I still see her occasionally and she still seems dissatisfied with her conjugal life.

One’s first sexual encounter sets the tone for one’s conjugal sex life. Here let me say it: sex was designed by God for pleasure between a man and his wife. It is supposed to be engaged in within the mantle of protection of God’s will and God’s approval. Get married first before having sex with that good man. And if he is truly a good man, he won’t press his advantage. He would rather wait with you and for you.

If you have engaged in pre-marital sex or any other sex games that stop short of the act itself, those acts need not define you or your sex life, God knows our frame, He remembers that we are but dust and prone to sin. What will be difficult to deal with are the feelings and thoughts you have consequent to pre-marital sex.  The guilt, the fear and the shame of pre-marital sex hampers one’s enjoyment of sex even if the person you had pre-marital sex (or pre-marital sex games) with eventually becomes your partner. It brings emotional and psychological baggage that is difficult to bear and to work out.

The first rule about conjugal sex: it’s a spiritual attitude. Sex is a holy thing. It is a gift from God not to be abused. It is a privilege and an honor to share the gift of love and pleasure.

So please, if the topic of sex makes you giggle and blush or it makes you antsy and raring, of if it makes you all knotted up and frozen, check on your attitude about sex. The Tagalogs say sex is “luto ng Diyos” or “luto ng langit” a feast from heaven given for men and women to enjoy as an act of thankfulness and worship. Yes, it is worship because sex is a giving of the self more than the taking of a stolen pleasure. The Tagalogs have a euphemism for the sex act that expresses the loftiness of the experience: “makabuluhang pag-niniig” or a meaningful coming together.

The second rule about conjugal sex: know the facts. Know the scientific facts about the male and female anatomy. Know the functions of the parts of the reproductive system. Know about the female menstrual cycle because the different periods of the cycle influence a woman’s sexual desire and appetite.

The third rule about conjugal sex: talk about it. Talk about your notions of it. Talk about what you feel about it. Talk about what you expect. Talk about what he expects. It doesn’t have to be a formal lecture or a bull session. From my experience, the topic crops up in the ordinary course of life even before a couple is married. The issue presents itself more often than we care to admit. And when the topic presents itself, it is best to talk about it first than to indulge in it without a map, a rudder or a compass.

I think that the first time we talked about sex was when we were having lunch at the Goldilocks on Shaw Boulevard. My husband saw a couple who was from their hometown. They had a house in the more affluent parts of Mandaluyong and they were right there sitting two tables away. My husband told me to look at the couple and tell him what I thought. I said they seemed detached and bored. He said that I was right because that couple only lived in the same house for a few weeks in a year. The rest of the year, they lived in separate houses. When they did live under the same roof, they had different rooms.

This began the discussion on our observations of our own parents and how they displayed intimacy. My husband said that his Dad met his Mom when they were just school kids. They were also neighbors. His Dad brought potted roses from his own mother’s garden to give to my husband’s mom. His Dad talked to his future father-in-law about politics and the news of the day when he came to visit. After an hour of talking, that’s the only time my husband’s mom came out and they all talked together. When they got married, my father-in-law always held hands with my mother-in-law. He took her shopping, waited for her at the parlor or had his own haircut and nails cleaned in the same parlor. They were always together, always talking, always laughing and always holding hands. They had breakfast, lunch and dinner together every day and they enjoyed each other’s company. Years later, my mother-in-law said that she and her sister nicknamed my father-in-law “Little Boy Blue” because he was always dressed up in blue. She said to me, “Ang gusto ko sa kanya, kahit maghapon sa makina o sa talyer, laging malinis, maayos at mabango.”

I said my mom was a bit strait-laced in public but at home, she always kissed my Dad. She always ran her palm down his back and always said “Ang guapo mo, Dad.” When we were teenagers, we told my mom that she had a perverted notion of “guapo.” So my mom said, “Hindi ko naman sinasabing guapo ang Daddy ninyo kaysa iba, sa akin lang. Sa akin, guapo siya, kasi, sa akin siya.” And that pretty much summed up how my mother felt about my Dad. My Dad on the other hand, called my mother his “mestisang bangus” (bangus was his favourite fish) and “mestisang labanos.” He called my mom “Dona Adelaida” because she looked every inch a Spanish lady. My Dad always hugged my mom from the back as she stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes. He pinched her nape as she was cooking.

Guess what? When we got married, my husband mirrored his Dad even as I mirrored my Mom. What we see in our own childhood homes either become a blueprint for the home we eventually make with our spouse; or, it becomes the symbol of things we fear and avoid like the plague.

The fourth rule about conjugal sex: speak the truth in love: sweetness goes a long, long way. Sex is not a slam-bang affair. It is above all, tenderness. For most of us Baptist couples, the honeymoon night is the first time we see each other in our naked glory. As we are all imperfect humans, there are parts of our anatomy that we really dislike or that we are not so proud of. That one part of our anatomy is something that we keep hidden or something we would rather keep hidden.

Look for whatever it is in your body that you don’t like and honestly tell your spouse. If you feel insecure about having a flat chest or wide hips, your spouse should say something that will allay your fear if he is truly sweet and loving. He will compliment you and not flatter you. Look for whatever it is in your spouse’s anatomy that he is timid about and love it. Affirmation and approval work up more sexual desire than sex videos.

Seeing each other naked can be shocking but it can also be the opportunity for starting the standard for intimacy in your marriage. When someone is naked, they would be stared at and scrutinized. Make sure to speak the truth in love. Look for your spouse’s weakness and cherish it; do not deride or ridicule it; your spouse will be grateful for the acceptance and it will guarantee a strong sexual and marital bond. You cannot achieve orgasm if you are afraid, if you are shy or inhibited. You have to be totally comfortable and at ease.

The fifth rule about conjugal sex: always prefer one another; husbands are commanded to love their wives.  I address this last rule primarily to the men.  Females are like a diesel engine: they take a longer while to heat up. Arousal begins with the mind. Sweet talk and sweet touch also do the trick, as does kissing. Your wife is not a toy, an appliance or a tool. And men, there is a doorbell in the female anatomy that has to be gently pushed before her doors open. Generally, the male has to allow the woman to have her arousal and orgasm first before the male, for if the male achieves orgasm first, his erection will end and the woman will no longer have the opportunity for an orgasm. When your wife achieves orgasm, her lubrication will give you infinite pleasure: there will be no friction, no chafing and no pain for you.

Conjugal sex is not a solo flight, it is riding in tandem. It is pleasure shared and a shared pleasure. Ladies first, gentlemen next.  Show me a man who enjoys watching his wife achieve orgasm and I will show you a woman who has multiple orgasms! In conjugal sex, giving is as much fun as taking.

In the end, there is a reason why “a man will leave his mother and father to cleave to his wife.”  There is also a reason why a woman’s “desire shall be to her husband.”  The reason is a satisfying sex life, designed by God for us to enjoy.

There is a reason why the man is commanded to love his wife and it is because it is so easy to be selfish and self-centered about sex.  There is also a reason why a wife will reverence her husband: she will put him above all else, even herself, and she will honor him and live in submission to him, taking care of him wholeheartedly as though she were caring for her own body, not out of duty or loyalty but out of affection. And this is because her husband and her husband alone satisfies her needs.

There is a reason for the title “Milk and Honey.” (The Tagalogs have a similar term: “pulot-gata.” Being married answers the basic human need for companionship: it is nourishment for our souls without which, it will be difficult to survive.  Having children is also “milk” for it ensures the continuation of our species. Having a satisfying sex life within marriage is honey: it gives sweetness and takes the edge off of the bitter adversities we all face.  It is my sincere hope that you have milk and honey in your married life.

Married ladies, it doesn’t matter if you are no Helen of Troy or Gloria Diaz, it is enough that your husband feels that you are and treats you as such.  A good man is as much a good gift from God as a good woman. Every good gift comes from the Father of Lights in whom is no variableness and shadow of turning. God be with you.